The Unanticipated Moment

 

I am stepping away from the stated format of this blog to document something that happened so quickly, I could have never anticipated it at all.

Yesterday I got a phone call from my long time friend Becky. She and her partner Gordon had recently made a trip to Cancun, and I wanted to hear all about it. We had a great conversation, and I found out Gordon collects coins and is interested in some of Jim's collection. Yay.

Becky said they are going to St. Louis for a family party which is on April 6. She said they decided to stop in Nashville on the way back. Like most people, they have gone once and must return!

When we went to hang up I found myself saying, "Maybe I'll meet you in Nashville." I had no premeditation of saying this. It just popped out of my mouth. She was excited, said that would be great. I didn't seem to have an attachment to the idea because, well, it flew out of my mouth before I actually had time to think about it.

Once we hung up, I looked at flights and sure enough, Southwest has some direct connections and availability. This idea seems to be taking form as something I will actually do.

This morning I was writing about it in my journal and realized: This was my first "retirement moment."

This is the first time I made a spontaneous decision without having to think too much of the logistics. There is no less-than-healthy spouse to consider. There is improved health on my part. There is money to work with. There is no job commitment to maneuver around. Just doing what I want to do.

When I retired, it was in the midst of the loss of my husband and ongoing health issues. I rejoined my church to have structure that would sustain me through these situations. I have been saying I don't even know what retirement is, as there has been just too much swirling around me that demands attention.

Yesterday was the first time I felt the benefit of being retired. 

Coincidentally, this took place right on the anniversary of Jim's first chemo treatment last year.

It stuns me to think about how much things have changed.

To-Feel List

This quote is from the essay "Aim Higher" by Regina Brett from her book Be the Miracle.

She doesn't just have a to-do list. She has a to-feel list and puts joy on it.

As I prepare to be away for a few days for my surgery, I've been working through a to-do list. Some things have long needed to be done, and I decided I do not want to come home later in February and see the same things NOT done. It's been a challenge since I was down with a cold for two weeks, and that sapped a lot of my strength. I have to rest a lot in between. But that's okay. I have books to read that need to get back to the library before I go.

After reading the quote, I went right to my to-do list and added what I want to feel. Here are a few examples:

Finish cleaning area by Jim's nightstand -- to feel accomplished

Do my nails -- to feel comfort

Pack for the hospital -- to be ready

Arrange sink area in a new way -- to feel joy

I went to work on finishing the area around Jim's nightstand. It had years of stuff piled up. I was able to pitch a lot of things, and some things will find new homes. I don't only feel accomplished -- I feel joy. This has been something that has been very difficult for me and I've had to take it in small bites. But today I dug right down and finished. Now when I walk into the room I won't see all the evidence of his several year decline when things piled up. 

The heart is the DOING, the rays the FEELING

Sooner or later, the change needs to be made

It may take days, weeks, months...maybe even years

We don't always see how things are changing right in front of us

I am the one left to figure it all out

Now I will work not just on the doing, but on the feeling

as I bring my heart to what needs to be done

As I continue to navigate this new world

Well, Come

This was written at my Lectio Divina group last night based on “The Welcoming Prayer.” (No author listed.)

Let go of desire to control

Open to love and presence of God and healing action

I do not control my healing. God does. When I open to this presence, absorb this love, the healing can take place. Just as I do not control the sun, I do not control God’s will for me. I let go my desire to control. I make right decisions with the help of God. I am blessed and I welcome this blessing.

Well, come healing grace

Well, come rays of release

Well, come loving presence

Well, come God’s blessings

Within me is all I need

Within me is power to grow

Within me are the remnants of all that came before

Within me is wise use of my gifts

A Better View

 

Today's inspiration came when I read today's Substack posting from Dan Rather. Every Sunday he publishes "A Reason To Smile" and it is usually a music video.

Today his choice was "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. I am not terribly familiar with this song. I learned from Dan that it was released before the Hannah Montana movie came out. Not that I've seen that or any Hannah Montana for that matter. My only connection is that I used to have students who lived and breathed that girl! 

So I listened to the song all the way through (which I have never done) and I found myself crying--profusely. I mean...WOW. It presented itself at the exact moment, I guess. It was speaking to me in ways I would have never expected. 

It was a lovely surprise. And cleansing.

**

Here are the lines I'm working with:

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always going to want to make it move

Commentary:

It's impossible to physically move a mountain, just like it's impossible to skip over the hard parts of life. There is repetition and there is success and there is failure. And what happens if I do move the mountain? What arrogance or pride might erupt, upsetting the balance of being a humble servant to the life I live in faith and connection to the Great Creator of all? I will always want to move that mountain until I accept that it isn't about forcing things, but finding a way. Kind of like water. And I have learned, there is always a way to do what needs to be done. Avoidance is possible, but not advisable.

I face the mountain of another surgery. I'm in the uphill climb right now, but soon I will be on the other side with a better view of the way ahead. All I can do is be as ready as I possibly can be. 

Drawing:

Yeah, I'm not moving this...

Tanka + 7 syllables:

The mountain won't move

No matter how hard I try

Best to find my path

To get to the other side

With the enduring knowledge

Faith will always be my guide

 "The Climb" written by Jessi Leigh Alexander and Jon Clifton Mabe

Introducing a New Era of Blogging

I am happy to be starting fresh on a new blog. Blue Space, Green Space, River Flow served its purpose for a very long time. Now on to a revitalization of myself as a writer. Well, that's the hope, anyway.

Welcome to To Howl Noiselessly.

Why this title? Well, I've been making my way through a beautiful book called When Women Were Birds: Fifty-Four Variations on Voice by Terry Tempest Williams. On page 56, there were words that stuck like glue to me and would not let go. 

To write is also not to speak. It is to be silent. It is to howl noiselessly. -- Marguerite Duras

This is my place to howl noiselessly. To check in on life in all its forms and zig-zag pathways and creative change. 

Once I had the title and set up the blog, I was stymied a bit. How can this set of writings differ in some way from my usual fare? How can I make it different, yet make it something that I could easily maintain.

And it came to me this morning: Write Long. This is an idea that stemmed from a book on writing. I didn't use it enough as a teacher, and I'm really sorry about that because when I did, it produced great results.

Basically, here is the format:

Read something: a page from a novel, a poem, even something nonfiction.

Choose a line from it.

Write long. Take the line and expound on it specifically. Not necessarily how it relates to the text it is from. Just how it stands on its own in your eyes.

Draw a little picture to go with it.

Write a final short piece, probably a poem of some sort, that encapsulates what you have discovered.

I realize this is what I do with my Lectio Divina group, and we usually end up writing a prayer for the final piece. So in some cases, that will be my choice.

I have started collecting lines I like into a notebook so I have plenty to choose from at any time I want to get a posting here. 

Now it's time to get that first official blog together. I appreciate you reading and any feedback you can provide. Oh, and may I add...I am not well-versed in art, but I have a small goal to get better. I see a dual purpose for me -- this exercise will enable me to practice anything I'm learning from my online course from the Pencil Room! I feel it will keep me on track with it better, because so far I haven't been practicing much, as I had intended.

😊