Crying in the Dentist Chair

Today in my reading of Women Rowing North, Pipher mentions a little acknowledged step in grieving called "yearning and searching." On page 76 she explains:

The grieving often includes seeing our departed loved ones, talking to them, and feeling their presence.

Now, I have felt Jim's presence in such a way ever since he left this earthly plane. But in reading this today, I couldn't help think of a powerful experience I had yesterday. I have a molar that is decaying and causing me some issues, so I made a plan with my dentist to get a bridge. First step is to remove the tooth. (Side note: I have what's called "missing teeth" which means I didn't have permanent teeth to push out baby teeth. The tooth I was having removed was one of the baby teeth, which are notoriously finicky about being removed.)

When I arrived at the office, the women working there were having a special Friday. They had Viva the Keys up on the computer screens -- a live screen of an underwater scene in the Florida Keys that is a lot of fun to watch: barracudas, crabs, parrot fish, and more. One of them also commented they even had "music with words" playing. 

The first thing that had to go was a crown next to the decaying molar, because it will be needed to create the bridge. Lots of drilling, but I was making it through okay. How long can it last --- right?

But it went on and on. I did everything I could to remain calm. I took deep breaths when I could. I looked at the fish screens. I called on words like FAITH, TRUST, JOY. But after a while, nothing seemed to help. The dentist was now drilling into the bone and getting ready to put in a bone graft. 

It was then Jim came to my rescue. At first he was just wrapping his arms around me. But as the drilling continued, he was in front of me, pep talking me through it with words like This will be over soon. You can do this. You've been through worse. Hang in there. 

And once the graft was in, the dentist left the room and the hygienist started preparing the temporized tooth. As she was doing that, I kept watching the fish and noticed that a Luke Comb song had come on. It is a song called "Forever After All" which I've heard him sing many times on various shows. It's a good song.

But this time, I started thinking about Jim there with me, how he showed up when I was having difficulty, and how "forever after all" applies so fully to our relationship. Tears started falling as I listened to the last version of the chorus. There I was, silently crying while Deana the hygienist did her thing. By the time she was ready for me, the song was over, and I was fine.

Grief comes in so many forms

I continue to learn

When Jim and I said forever

We had no idea what we really meant

Now I'm finding out

and it is grace, gift, and blessing

all rolled into one.

Forever is real for those who love

And I Believe.