Somewhere in the Universe

Today’s text is from Mary Oliver’s poem “Self-Portrait.”

Upward, old legs! There are roses, and there is the sea

shining like a song, like a body

I want to touch

though I’m not twenty

and won’t be again but ah! seventy. And still

in love with life…

It felt almost surreal to return to Lighthouse Beach on Sanibel Island on a cool, slightly breezy, moody cloudy day. I figure it's been almost 10 years since I walked this beach, and given the circumstances of the last year, returning to nature and the water and the sand was one of the greatest gifts of all time.

As I sat in my old beach chair and looked at the light dancing on the water, my mind went where it always does -- to things in my life I can improve. The thing is, my mind went to teaching. This has been my mode of operation for many years. Back in the 1980s and 90s, it was a focus on my business life. Over the past 20 years, it has been teaching, What inspiration can I receive from this environment I can take with me when I go?

I no longer have that purpose.

So the question now isn't as easy. I have been waylaid for so long, I still have very little idea of what my life will look like when I'm past my physical healing phase, which I've been in repeatedly since June. And not to mention the stages of grief. 

*

Mary Oliver's poem is not one I was familiar with, but spoke loudly to me today. It was a model for my visit to the island. I had joked with my brother-in-law about the possibility I couldn't get out of a beach chair. (It wasn't so! I did quite well with these old legs!) The shining sea was in front of me for a few hours, as I sat and just soaked it in. I didn't try to figure anything out. I reflected on the fact I'm in my 70th year and I still love life, even with the ridiculous amount of ups and downs. 

The Sanibel Lighthouse took a real hit during the hurricane of 2022. It lost one of its legs and all its surrounding wooden-framed buildings, an essential part of "the look." The Lighthouse is healed now, and the beach replenished. I, too, am healing and rejuvenated by the presence of nature so close to me. I promise not to ignore it again for so long.

Me and the sea, in love with life

 Stepping through thick sand

I return to a beach of many memories

My camera at the ready, I catch the day

spirits high and meditative.

I no longer know how to answer

Who am I?

My self-portrait is hazy, but it is already formed

somewhere in the universe

Eventually I will find it

But for today, I do something simple

Let it all be

Relax into unknowing.

And then get ice cream!

BONUS PHOTO

The birds remember...

                                                                                                                                                       Quote today from the book When Women Were Birds: Fifty-Four Variations on Voice by Terry Tempest Williams:

The birds still remember what we have forgotten, 

that the world is meant to be celebrated.

Jim always did the taxes. For decades, all I had to do was hand him any tax forms I received. He would tell me where to sign, and that was that.

Fast forward to the day he passed. When I called my friend Iris, her husband Jim, an accountant, got on the phone and told me he would do my taxes at no charge this year. It wasn't anything I was even thinking about, so I was grateful for the offer.

On March 12th I finally had everything together and sent it Priority via the Post Office. It was to arrive the 15th. On the 17th I decided to confirm it was received. No. It was delayed. There was a message on the tracking page that they were experiencing problems with the tracking.

On the 18th, it claimed my package was "in transit" and would be late. It still says that today, March 22nd.

All of this was making me super nervous. We are less than a month away from taxes being due and Jim doesn't even have my paperwork yet. He checked with their local post office, and it wasn't there.

So last night I copied everything again. I went to the Post Office this morning to send it Priority Express, which is GUARANTEED delivery (which I didn't realize I wasn't getting the first time.)  The clerk tried to talk me out of spending the $31.40, saying that I should call the Fayetteville, NC post office and see if they have it. I told her I just want this off my plate. And then as she finalized things, tears erupted. I was so pissed that I have to deal with this, that a simple thing just couldn't go smoothly, and yes, I was feeling a bit of self-pity. I somehow got a grip, got my receipt, and went to my car and cried just a little.

As I was leaving the shopping center, a hawk flew in front of my car. As I came around the building, I saw he had picked a long snake off a dead tree. But two crows were chasing him, and he dropped the snake.

I smiled -- big. The levity of the situation was just what I needed in a stressful moment.

I vow to let nature entertain me.

Believe that in stressful times

It is possible to remember joy

Rest in a smile, a laugh

Direct myself to nature and

See the world in its fullness.

     

Horizon Light

 This quote from Mary Oliver’s poem “Invitation.”

it is a serious thing

just to be alive

on this fresh morning

in this broken world

I have gratefully turned a corner in my physical healing. Yesterday was a busy and physically active day. When Oliver says “serious,” that is an important word —I have serious business to do in this world, and by going to Costco and washing the towels, I am practicing my purpose. I am putting forth energy caring for myself. It hasn’t been easy to do these things with the health issues I’ve faced, so I take it quite seriously that I am able to now.

It means something.

The morning looked fresh as I was reading the poem (see photo) and I certainly know the world at this time feels broken. Our country feels broken.

Yet today I prayed a sincere prayer of trust. God is not dead. There is a path. We just need to find it in the depths of this pain.

Light will dispel the darkness.

The sky at the time I read the poem.

The horizon light

Illuminates all the good

On this fresh morning

Crying in the Dentist Chair

Today in my reading of Women Rowing North, Pipher mentions a little acknowledged step in grieving called "yearning and searching." On page 76 she explains:

The grieving often includes seeing our departed loved ones, talking to them, and feeling their presence.

Now, I have felt Jim's presence in such a way ever since he left this earthly plane. But in reading this today, I couldn't help think of a powerful experience I had yesterday. I have a molar that is decaying and causing me some issues, so I made a plan with my dentist to get a bridge. First step is to remove the tooth. (Side note: I have what's called "missing teeth" which means I didn't have permanent teeth to push out baby teeth. The tooth I was having removed was one of the baby teeth, which are notoriously finicky about being removed.)

When I arrived at the office, the women working there were having a special Friday. They had Viva the Keys up on the computer screens -- a live screen of an underwater scene in the Florida Keys that is a lot of fun to watch: barracudas, crabs, parrot fish, and more. One of them also commented they even had "music with words" playing. 

The first thing that had to go was a crown next to the decaying molar, because it will be needed to create the bridge. Lots of drilling, but I was making it through okay. How long can it last --- right?

But it went on and on. I did everything I could to remain calm. I took deep breaths when I could. I looked at the fish screens. I called on words like FAITH, TRUST, JOY. But after a while, nothing seemed to help. The dentist was now drilling into the bone and getting ready to put in a bone graft. 

It was then Jim came to my rescue. At first he was just wrapping his arms around me. But as the drilling continued, he was in front of me, pep talking me through it with words like This will be over soon. You can do this. You've been through worse. Hang in there. 

And once the graft was in, the dentist left the room and the hygienist started preparing the temporized tooth. As she was doing that, I kept watching the fish and noticed that a Luke Comb song had come on. It is a song called "Forever After All" which I've heard him sing many times on various shows. It's a good song.

But this time, I started thinking about Jim there with me, how he showed up when I was having difficulty, and how "forever after all" applies so fully to our relationship. Tears started falling as I listened to the last version of the chorus. There I was, silently crying while Deana the hygienist did her thing. By the time she was ready for me, the song was over, and I was fine.

Grief comes in so many forms

I continue to learn

When Jim and I said forever

We had no idea what we really meant

Now I'm finding out

and it is grace, gift, and blessing

all rolled into one.

Forever is real for those who love

And I Believe.

To Begin With…Nourishment

 

Today two lines stood out from Mary Oliver's poem "To Begin With, the Sweet Grass."

...everything is nourishment, somehow or another

Love yourself. Then forget it. Then love the world.

When it comes to nourishment, I think about how I spend my days.

--reading

--watching the sky, the water, the birds

--texting or calling friends and family

--journaling and blogging

—listening to music

--napping

--taking care of my body

--praying

And even when I was living my other life, nourishment came in many forms:

--being with young people

--creating inspiring lessons and writing activities

--knowing I was doing something for the greater good

--being there for my husband in any way needed--sitting through chemo, picking up his meds, making dinner, finding shows I knew he'd enjoy.

These are all about loving myself and doing good work in the world. And I think this is why I have such concern today with the manipulation of our government system that is interrupting peoples' ability to nourish their lives. Losing jobs, health insurance, needed services, and more means a people are brought down. Of course, that's the overall goal, right?

Mary's poem helped me see the reason I am keeping an eye on what is happening is because I love the world. I love how we have stood by each other with shared values. I feel betrayed and disgusted by what is happening, the web of lies, the carelessness.

Now, more than ever, it's community that matters. Nourishing ourselves so we may nourish others. Loving ourselves so we may love the world. And eliminating the evil that would have it another way. 

Do not nourish it.

Do not let it grow.

Nourished inside and out

Our nation faces the biggest challenge yet

We are in a fight to regain values that have been callously tossed aside

And it goes way beyond our nation

as many across the globe are hurt by this heartlessness

I reach inside, I pray loudly, I keep in touch

because to do otherwise will be to let evil win

I nourish myself. I aim to nourish others.

I have hope and faith we will come out on the other side

Stronger, wiser, and more sure

of the meaning of America.

Soul Expanding

The quote today is from Mary Pipher from her book Women Rowing North: Navigating Life's Currents and Flourishing as We Age.

For many of us, a combination of suffering and happiness is what defines this life stage and fuels our growth -- we can describe ourselves as living in "both/and" terms. Suffering gives us empathy, while happiness gives us hope and energy. The contradiction of this life stage makes it a portal for expanding our soul.  p.20

The first thing I need to say is that I've gained plenty of empathy! And I have moments where happiness has been elusive and suffering took over --probably more times than I'd ever remember. But I'm always called back to everything is somehow exactly as it should be and it serves me. I definitely feel I'm in a different life stage. As long as I was working, I could hold it off. I could pretend I wasn't there.

But I've been thrust into this life and yes, I have found happiness. The health issues have been limiting, and for months and months I've wanted to get beyond them,

In God's time, not mine.

In many ways, things have been better than expected. Despite shaky moments, I am on solid ground.

The way I feel inside

 Suffering gives sight

I'm in a different life

My soul expanding